daughters · humor · kindergarten · speed-posts

Places Where You May Not Play: A Christmas Break Reminder (from the Momplex Blog archives)

In the fireplace ashes.
In the unmanned car.
In the street.
In my sanctuary. (That’s French for bedroom, dear.)
In my underwear drawer.
In my bed while I’m sleeping, or was.
In my shred of personal space while I’m on the phone.
Understand?

Also…
Next to your brother’s bedroom door while he’s napping.
Next to my head while I’m writing.
Next to my face while I’m eating.
Next to the cat litter, even while it’s not in use. Seriously.
Next to the oven while it’s cooking.
Next to the Christmas tree. It’s dropping enough needles.
Got it?

And…
Behind the couch by the plate-glass window.
Behind your dad’s butt while he’s trying to talk to you.
Behind my butt after you just heard me pass gas. Geez.
Behind the drapes with the pinned hems.
Behind the developmentally disabled bagger at the grocery store. STOP IT.
Capisce?

Finally…
On the clean laundry piles.
On your dad’s herniated disk.
On my post-partum bladder.
On my freshly made bed.
On my nerves.
On my fears.
On my sentimentality.

There. Now go have fun.
And remember that I love you.

Uncategorized

Remembering Six (from the Momplex Blog archives)

My daughter turned six last week. Am I scared of her growing up? Who, me? Who said that? So what if she came home yesterday proclaiming the “greatest action hero” to be Bruce Willis? So what if she asked me what the Suite Life is and why her friend at school thinks it’s the greatest? Why would I be scared of that? Why would I be scared of all the kissing games and marriage games taking place in kindergarten (gulp)? I am totally (gulp) prepared. After all, I used to be a six-year-old myself. I’ve been thinking on that. Here’s some things I did when I was six:

(1) Kicked a crocodile-skin high-heeled pump through a large plate-glass window in our house. I was dancing. [Insert jazz hands]

(2) Shared a “boyfriend” with my best friend, Jenny Byrne. This is the closest I ever came to being Mormon. Our affair was played out as a chess game, with one or the other sister-wife getting her turn each day. A chess turn, people. A chess turn.

(3) Learned the f-word, from some girl whose house we used to go to after school every day. I believe she used it on her grandma.

Did I say I’m not scared? All that stuff seems so innocent now, so age-appropriately innocent. Times have really changed — thong underwear designed for kids, 24/7 access to porn, teenage vampires. Not to be a chicken little, but I am so in for a ride (gulp). Heeeeere weeeeee goooooooooooooooooo!

humor · Silversteinery

Silverstein for Parents (from the Momplex Blog archives)

I’ve been writing Shel Siverstein-istic things for parents here and there, because I don’t have time to write the great American novel. Also, because I’m lost in parenthood land, I tend to think in raps and rhymes a lot. Anyway, I use his name liberally, because I think Shel would actually shudder at some of these. (I should probably call him Sheldon, since we’ve never met.) Here are some samples, on top of those that I’ve posted in the past (filed under Silversteinery):


NOTICE

I’ll do
The soothing,
He’ll suckle
Just me
As you surf
All the shows
On your flat-screen TV.
But if you play Wii
While I clean up this pee?
Bye, bye, divorcee!

***
LEGENDS

Miranda’s newborn sleeps all night,
Jane’s is diaper-free,
Debbie’s walked at just eight months,
Anne’s uses the potty,
Rosie’s baby learned to read,
Ann’s kid has never hit,
But I can say with confidence,
They all are full of shit.

***
FERTILITY CARE

Starting a family’s a wonderful choice,
And don’t try to tell us it’s not,
Our triplets are healthy and brilliant and cute,
It’s we who are going to rot.

***
IF I HAD A NANNY

If I had a nanny she’d be South Americanny,
And I’d probably call her mammy
When she pushed my baby’s prammy.
She could make my kids a sammy
While I sunbathe in Miami.
But if perhaps she didn’t nod
When I said, “Don’t spare the rod,”
Or if she had a rockin’ bod,
Or made me feel like a tightwad,
I’d take care of my own freaking kids and fire her ass.