It started with a fever
That led to a thermometer
Inside an open mouth
That seemed too red
With white bumps in back,
Which led to the doctor
Who made us wait
In her greenhouse of germs
Where virus smears lurk
And love little bodies
Like the ones with strep,
So they climbed inside
And waited for some days
Before ‘sploding out a tush
And hurtling out a mouth
Into another
And another
And another
Until we all were bedded down
With sharts and shivers and Schweppes,
And then when things seemed better
And one went off to school
With a little weakened body,
Susceptible to germs,
We caught a cold.
Category: humor
Places Where You May Not Play: A Christmas Break Reminder (from the Momplex Blog archives)
In the fireplace ashes.
In the unmanned car.
In the street.
In my sanctuary. (That’s French for bedroom, dear.)
In my underwear drawer.
In my bed while I’m sleeping, or was.
In my shred of personal space while I’m on the phone.
Understand?
Also…
Next to your brother’s bedroom door while he’s napping.
Next to my head while I’m writing.
Next to my face while I’m eating.
Next to the cat litter, even while it’s not in use. Seriously.
Next to the oven while it’s cooking.
Next to the Christmas tree. It’s dropping enough needles.
Got it?
And…
Behind the couch by the plate-glass window.
Behind your dad’s butt while he’s trying to talk to you.
Behind my butt after you just heard me pass gas. Geez.
Behind the drapes with the pinned hems.
Behind the developmentally disabled bagger at the grocery store. STOP IT.
Capisce?
Finally…
On the clean laundry piles.
On your dad’s herniated disk.
On my post-partum bladder.
On my freshly made bed.
On my nerves.
On my fears.
On my sentimentality.
There. Now go have fun.
And remember that I love you.
Silverstein for Parents (from the Momplex Blog archives)
I’ve been writing Shel Siverstein-istic things for parents here and there, because I don’t have time to write the great American novel. Also, because I’m lost in parenthood land, I tend to think in raps and rhymes a lot. Anyway, I use his name liberally, because I think Shel would actually shudder at some of these. (I should probably call him Sheldon, since we’ve never met.) Here are some samples, on top of those that I’ve posted in the past (filed under Silversteinery):
NOTICE
I’ll do
The soothing,
He’ll suckle
Just me
As you surf
All the shows
On your flat-screen TV.
But if you play Wii
While I clean up this pee?
Bye, bye, divorcee!
***
LEGENDS
Miranda’s newborn sleeps all night,
Jane’s is diaper-free,
Debbie’s walked at just eight months,
Anne’s uses the potty,
Rosie’s baby learned to read,
Ann’s kid has never hit,
But I can say with confidence,
They all are full of shit.
***
FERTILITY CARE
Starting a family’s a wonderful choice,
And don’t try to tell us it’s not,
Our triplets are healthy and brilliant and cute,
It’s we who are going to rot.
***
IF I HAD A NANNY
If I had a nanny she’d be South Americanny,
And I’d probably call her mammy
When she pushed my baby’s prammy.
She could make my kids a sammy
While I sunbathe in Miami.
But if perhaps she didn’t nod
When I said, “Don’t spare the rod,”
Or if she had a rockin’ bod,
Or made me feel like a tightwad,
I’d take care of my own freaking kids and fire her ass.
The Second Magpie 